Kwelang Pinoy

A foreigner rode a taxi and asked to be brought to “Baltamesa Blvd”. The driver insisted there was no such street. The foreigner directed the driver street by street until they got to a street in Makati. And the foreigner went down on a corner that has a big sign saying: “BAWAL TUMAE SA BLVD”.

DEFINITION OF A JEJEMON

1) Usually seen around social networking sites such as Friendster and Multiply, jejemons are individuals with low IQs who spread around their idiocy on the web by tYpFing LyK diZS jejejeje, making all people viewing their profile raise their eyebrows out of annoyance. Normal people like you and me must take a Bachelor of Arts in Jejetyping in order to understand said individuals, as deciphering their text would cause a lot of frustration and hair pulling.

CAUTION: THESE INDIVIDUALS ARE BREEDING! THEY CAN BE SEEN WRECKING GRAMMATICAL HAVOC ON FACEBOOK TOO!

2) Jejemons are not just confined to trying-hard Filipino gangsters and emos. A Jejemon can also include a variety of Latino-Hispanic fags who enjoy typing “jejejejeje” in a wider context, much to the disdain of their opponents in an internet MMORPG game such as Ragnarok and DOTA.

3) Basically anyone with a low tolerance in correct punctuation, syntax and grammar. Jejemons are usually hated or hunted down by Jejebusters or the grammar nazi to eradicate their grammatical ways.

On AIM or YM:

miSzMaldiTahh111: EoW pFuOh!

You: Huh?

miszMaldiTahh111: i LLyK tO knOw moR3 bOut u, PwfoH. crE 2 t3ll mE yur N@me? jejejejeje!

You: You are a jejemon! Don’t talk to me, you uneducated retard!

miszMaldiTahh111: T_T

=============================================

JEJEMON ay mga taong ganito magtype “e0wSsZz pOwhhZzmUsZtAhH nUah pOwhHzz kEowHsz?”. yung mga taong pinapahirapan magbasaang iba sa mga pipopost nila kasi kumpleto naman sana ang letters sakeyboard nila, kung anu anu pa ginagamit. like para sa G, ginagamitnilang alternate ang small Q or 9. yung mga taong pin…apahaba at ginagawang komplikado ang simpleng salita. yan ang JEJEMON.

AaAiIiSsZzzz GwAn0unhZz PouuHzZz Buhh?

HAHAHAHAHA /heh

galing sa http://tunaynalalake.blogspot.com/

When asked if she has a good thing to say about Villar, Jamby Madrigal said: “Maganda ang pag-tina ng buhok niya (His hair is dyed nicely).”

A guy donated blood to his girlfriend when they were still together but then he dumped him for another guy and he wanted his blood back. The girl threw a napkin at him and said “I will pay you back in monthly installment!”

“That’s why I’m a success, it’s because I don’t middle in other people’s lives.”

“Don’t judge my brother;  he’s not a book.”

“I won’t stoop down to my level.”

“Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?”

“Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.”

“Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin ang ari mo! Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.”

“We are lovers, not fighters.”

“Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.”

“I don’t eat meat. I’m not a carnival.”

“Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat.” (During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.)

“Sumasakit ang migraine ko.”

“Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!”

“Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point.” (When asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right .).

“Oo nga”, said Melanie,”pero I-English-in ko para maintindihan niya.” Then Melanie looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, she said, “And to you, Mrs Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!”.

“Dont worry little angel, big angel is here”.

“He should be put behind bar”. You can fool me once, you can fool me twice, you can fool me thrice, but you can never fool me four”.

“Nikki, you’re so galing. You should go to the states. You will sell hotcakes”.

“They should talk behind the scene… (on Kris and Joey)

“Hindi ba kayo naawa sa kapatid ko… sa mga kwento nya? Di ba kayo na-PERSUAVE ng mga kwento niya? Hindi si Joey ang tipong mambubugbog ng babae… talaga lang malapit siya sa mga gulo… PRO-ACCIDENT kasi siya eh.”

Boy Abunda: O melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong magmo-Mormon ka na?
Melanie: Ah okay lang ‘yon Boy, kasi matagal na rin akong SEMI-RETARDED.

“A man’s success is a woman’s behind.”

“My husband was born on a silver spoon”

Ate Luds: Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo?
Melanie: Alam mo Ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really have to istep your foot…ah, forward!

“It’s not my problem anymore. It’s their problem anymore.”

Melanie Marquez was accosted by a certain guy from a certain TV network. He shouted, “Hey *****,” upon which Melanie turned around and retorted, “Don’t you ever, ever call me…hey!”

“I keep my crown in the voltage.”

“Well, I want to spend my holidays with my family most probably out of place. ”

“Please watch HIRAM starring Aleck Baldwin (referring to Aleck Bovick) and myself. It’s DIRECTOR by Romy Suzara.” ( While she was in Morning Girls With Kris and Korina)

“My answers have been prayered.” (After giving birth, and an interview on The Buzz )

“Hello…Huwag kang tumahol sa sarili mong bakuran noh! You know, huwag kang tumahol like dogs.” (On ex-flame Lito Lapid, in response to being misunderstood )

JOB INTERVIEW
Interviewer: Anong alam mo?
Applicant: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira, kung saan ang misis nyo saka po kung nasaan ang kabit nyo.
Interviewer: Tanggap ka na!

2 ROBBERS
After robbing a bank
Robber 1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo.
Robber 2: O bilangan mo na ang nanakaw natin.
Robber 1: Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math eh. Abangan nalang natin sa balita kung magkano ang nanakaw natin.

MATUTULOG NA ANG DALAWANG TANGA
Tanga 1: Pare di tayo kasya. Magbawas tayo ng isa. Sa lapag ka nalang matulog.
Bumaba si Tanga 2.
Tanga 1: Ayan pare maluwag na. Akyat ka na ulit.

PARUSA
Erap dreamt that he died and went to heaven. St. Peter gave him Ai Ai delas Alas as partner, saying: Kung mabait ka sana, mas maganda ang partner mo!
Erap saw Chavit Singson with Gretchen Barreto and said,: “Bakit si Chavit, mas madaming kasalanan, si Gretchen ang partner?”
St. Peter: IHO, PARUSA YAN KAY GRETCHEN!!!

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In plain English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!